If you want to browse through the richest humankind catalogue, look no further than your nearest dating application.
It’s a jungle out there! No place else will you discover such a mix of caricatures with carefully curated profiles created for the sole purpose of attracting a mate.
Despite the contemporary bells and whistles of emoji-littered bios and Valencia-filtered photos, the whole process is really rather feral, bringing out some of the best and worst singleton generalizations that society could bring.
Things being what they are, how would you know who merits swiping right on and who is really just another cliché?
Fear not, as we’ve rounded up the seven people on dating apps you need to dodge.
P.S. In the event that you don’t recognise any of them… well… that’s because you are one of them. I’m sorry you had to learn it this way.
The one who just does it for the ‘gram
One snap is a mirror selfie that looks like it was taken in a nightclub. Another is a mirror selfie taken in the gym. The next is just a straight-up trout pout.
Naturally, in a bid to overcome the six-photo limit, they’ve linked their Instagram account to their dating profile, so you can see more of their selfies.
If you swipe right on this person, prepare for a life of visual documentation, where you will be assigned the role of Instagram boyfriend or girlfriend on date three – which you’ll announce via a selfie #couplegoals.
It might not be a recipe for love, but you might learn a thing or two about photography.
The one with an ambiguous relationship past/present
Their profile picture looks like it was taken at a black tie event.
It’s of a couple… a man and a woman. The woman is wearing a white dress… is it a wedding? Is it their wedding?
Swipe right at your own adulterous peril.
The one who has ‘rave reviews’
“Excellent taste in homewares” – my mother
“Lovely person, a generous big spoon” – a past lover
“Makes a great noodle soup” – Barack Obama
It’s not clear why people think “reviews” are going to be in any way enticing. Not only do they indicate a complete lack of originality – almost every other bio has at least one – but we know that you’ve almost definitely made them up and nobody likes fake news.
The one who has been on a “gap yah” for five years
Every photograph is a variation of one of the following: doing a yoga pose on a picturesque mountain, leaning in front of the leaning tower of Pisa, cuddling a sedated tiger, or the famous sandy feet on the beach.
Unless you’re an Ayudervic dolphin instructor living off the fat of the land in Bali, this person won’t have any real interest in engaging with you.
They left their heart in an ashram in India.
The one who might be a sociopath
No bio and just one picture that looks like it’s been pinched from an stock website… steer clear.
This is a classic case of someone who either cannot be bothered to take the time to craft a profile – in which case, they’re lazy and probably not worth your time – or they are a bona fide catfish e.g. their profile says they’re a 24-year-old gin-drinking personal trainer from Blackpool when they’re secretly a 46-year-old gym-phobe who has never even had a G&T.
The one who is ashamed to be on a dating app
“I’ll tell our kids we met in a bar” – it’s 2018, welcome.
The one who watches too much Netflix
Their profile picture is a group snap, three guys, three girls.
They say they want “to bring a little extra sparkle” to their friendship group, but in reality, they’re just looking for someone to mess around with so they have something juicy to talk about with their pals.
Swipe right and don’t look back, no one told you life was gonna to be this way.